just say marissa, i love you, i need you, and no one will do but you.
that would literally make everything okay.
til life can begin.
i could be living with brandon in twenty nine days, even if it is just at krissy’s house.
at this particular moment in time, i actually can’t think of any emotional turmoil and/or distress to rant about. shall we go through the various aspects of my life?
i really am content right now. god, please don’t let it turn into complacency.
way back in june of 2011, i had a dream about tiffany and i debating what color to paint the walls of our new apartment. she wanted to paint them light pink, but i wanted to paint them a color that i had never even realized existed before. i called it mauve, but now i realize that mauve is more of a pink. i envisioned a marvelous shade of gray that was tinted purple, and when i woke up, i realized my dream-self has great taste. i now own several shirts that color, and my nails are that color too. so when i tell you about this dream i had last night, you need to understand why i’m putting actual thought into it.
i dreamed that i was getting a new tattoo. in part of the dream, i think i was putting it on my upper back (which makes no sense because it would cover the music staff on my right shoulder blade) and in another part of the dream, i think i was adding it to my feet to decorate the words i already have there. the tattoo was of a beautiful outer spacey night sky with swirling colors and stars and everything. my dream-self didn’t specify if it meant anything conceptually, or was just beautiful, but upon waking up, i realize this could be a great tattoo idea.
lately i’ve felt so infinite, for lack of a better word. i really don’t wanna associate this with the perks of being a wallflower, because i didn’t think that book was terribly mind-blowing, but i like the word infinite a lot. lots of people have tattoos of infinity symbols, so that feels overdone. but i’m pretty sure the ultimate representation of infinity and the unknown is outer space. i’m realizing lately that there’s a whole world out there, and there are amazing things all over the place that i want to see and feel and experience. and i just feel so infinite, because there is absolutely no reason why i can’t do it all. so while i originally toyed with the idea of an outer space tattoo because it looks awesome, the more i think about it, it’s so much more than that. i want it to remind me to never grow complacent with where i am in life. there is a whole world out there and it’s at my fingertips. i remember when i was a kid and i thought i could never ever leave new berlin, wisconsin. i never want to think that way again.
me: could one of you sign my transfer request form please?
doug: of course! where are you going?
me: california! :D
doug: wow, do you know anyone there?
me: nah, but the person i'm going with does. we'll probably end up staying at his friend's house for a little bit while we get on our feet.
rusty: so how in love are you?
this is why i love you so much. i wanna explore the world by your side.
i haven’t even finished it yet, but so far i’m feeling the perks of being a wallflower. i already have a list of “moments when i felt alive” on my listography page, but i’m pretty sure i like “infinite” better than “alive,” and i may change it.
things with brandon are feeling better and better. last night he:
a) told me to stay myself. he likes me because i’m not a badass. he has no interest in dating a badass.
b) called me hun again. it never gets old. and i thought i hated pet names (:
c) acknowledged the reality of our situation. there is a good possibility that cohabitating could completely fuck up everything for us. many relationships fail as a result. but we are going to be real with each other when things irritate us so we can fix them and not grow to dislike each other. happy couples do exist and we can be one of them.
i forgot how much more sense i make when i write in list form, as opposed to prose.