so young, so insane

just say marissa, i love you, i need you, and no one will do but you.

that would literally make everything okay.

til life can begin.

i could be living with brandon in twenty nine days, even if it is just at krissy’s house.

:D

at this particular moment in time, i actually can’t think of any emotional turmoil and/or distress to rant about. shall we go through the various aspects of my life?

• brandon: he texts me every day and we talk about any and everything. including now. and he said when he gets up here and i move out of my apartment, i can stay with him and krissy instead of my mother and jacob. glorious.
• work: i have a good feeling about plan b. doug, my warehouse manager, apparently used to play golf with the manager in grand rapids, and they just had dinner a few nights ago. he emailed the guy for me and put in a good word. this increases my hopes of being transferred considerably.
• family: i think my mom will feel better if i live 300 miles away, rather than 2,000. she doesn’t approve of my life choices regardless, but i honestly just don’t care at all. i have never been so excited about my life, and nobody will change my mind.
• social life: it feels really good to be friends with tiffany again. i’d like to be pen pals when we both move to different states and have crazy adventures. i also love macally a lot and will miss her greatly. it sucks that holly’s parents don’t let us hang out ever, but it feels good to have multiple people that want to spend time with me. i haven’t felt that in a long time.
• personal well-being: i’ve spent a considerable amount of time alone in the past month, and i’ve grown to enjoy it. and now that tiffany and i are okay, i don’t find myself avoiding being in my apartment, so i spend a lot more time just chilling. i’m content with it, too. even sober. that’s a new one for me.

i really am content right now. god, please don’t let it turn into complacency.

way back in june of 2011, i had a dream about tiffany and i debating what color to paint the walls of our new apartment. she wanted to paint them light pink, but i wanted to paint them a color that i had never even realized existed before. i called it mauve, but now i realize that mauve is more of a pink. i envisioned a marvelous shade of gray that was tinted purple, and when i woke up, i realized my dream-self has great taste. i now own several shirts that color, and my nails are that color too. so when i tell you about this dream i had last night, you need to understand why i’m putting actual thought into it.

i dreamed that i was getting a new tattoo. in part of the dream, i think i was putting it on my upper back (which makes no sense because it would cover the music staff on my right shoulder blade) and in another part of the dream, i think i was adding it to my feet to decorate the words i already have there. the tattoo was of a beautiful outer spacey night sky with swirling colors and stars and everything. my dream-self didn’t specify if it meant anything conceptually, or was just beautiful, but upon waking up, i realize this could be a great tattoo idea.

lately i’ve felt so infinite, for lack of a better word. i really don’t wanna associate this with the perks of being a wallflower, because i didn’t think that book was terribly mind-blowing, but i like the word infinite a lot. lots of people have tattoos of infinity symbols, so that feels overdone. but i’m pretty sure the ultimate representation of infinity and the unknown is outer space. i’m realizing lately that there’s a whole world out there, and there are amazing things all over the place that i want to see and feel and experience. and i just feel so infinite, because there is absolutely no reason why i can’t do it all. so while i originally toyed with the idea of an outer space tattoo because it looks awesome, the more i think about it, it’s so much more than that. i want it to remind me to never grow complacent with where i am in life. there is a whole world out there and it’s at my fingertips. i remember when i was a kid and i thought i could never ever leave new berlin, wisconsin. i never want to think that way again.

things with brandon are feeling better and better. last night he:

a) told me to stay myself. he likes me because i’m not a badass. he has no interest in dating a badass.

b) called me hun again. it never gets old. and i thought i hated pet names (:

c) acknowledged the reality of our situation. there is a good possibility that cohabitating could completely fuck up everything for us. many relationships fail as a result. but we are going to be real with each other when things irritate us so we can fix them and not grow to dislike each other. happy couples do exist and we can be one of them.

i forgot how much more sense i make when i write in list form, as opposed to prose.