as soon as i started to look forward to my week of independence, it got cancelled.
i think i still benefitted from thinking about it though.
and i’m still going out to the B.O.B. on thursday night with chelsea for some underage partying. sorry, brandon.
i wished for more me time. i wished for the opportunity to live alone. i wished for independence. and now brandon is going to be gone for a whole week, days after i took back those wishes. he’ll only be in lansing, maybe an hour or so away. and i can call or text him whenever i want. but as soon as he told me that his job was sending him away for a whole week, i was immediately upset. since we moved in together, we haven’t spent a single night falling asleep in different beds.
i think this week is going to change my perspective quite a bit. it’ll be really sad, but i think it’ll be worth it. i hope when he comes back i’ll realize that being alone wouldn’t fix any of my problems. i want to appreciate what i have and stop taking his presence for granted.
so monday begins my week of forced independence.
i can’t help but think back to the list i made on june sixteenth, almost two months ago. it was made on a brilliant notepad i purchased at schuler books (the greatest place on earth, or at least in west michigan). the notepad is titled “MAKE A DECISION” and asks me to fill in each of the following blanks:
DILEMMA: kick out brandon?
DECISION NEEDED BY: whenever
DECISION IMPORTANCE LEVEL: trivial non-lethal worthwhile weighty life changing
INDECISIVENESS LEVEL: wishy washy neutral partisan mind made up
BEST CASE SCENARIO: Brandon stays, starts being a responsible adult, and we have an amazing life together, happily ever after. (PIPE DREAM? YES NO)
WORST CASE SCENARIO: I kick him out and end up all alone, regretting all of this. I have to face my family and tell them I was wrong. (APOCOLYPSE? YES NO)
GUT FEELINGS: I cannot tolerate his lazy, immature ways forever. He is dragging me down and making me work harder than I should have to. But I love him. I came here because it was the only way to be with him. And I want to prove everyone wrong and make this work.
PLUSES (+) AND MINUSES (-):
+ I have more money for me
- I can’t still date him
+ I can be me
- I’m stuck here alone
+ He will learn his lesson
- I will have to face WI eventually
+ I get to find myself here
- Nobody else will love me
+ I can date hardworking guys
- I’m giving up really soon
INTUITIVE CONCLUSION: Be patient. Give him a chance to change.
RATIONAL CONCLUSION: Work on being more independent, but wait.
DECISION: Give it some more time. Make it clear to him that if he does not change things, i will. (FOR TODAY? YES NO)
NEXT STEPS: Talk to him. Work on establishing myself here as an independent woman and I’ll be okay regardless.
I absolutely made the right decision. I cannot even put into words how optimistic I am right now for our future. Brandon now works full time (more than that actually) with the contractors who fix our vacant apartments for the next tenant. Most of the time, he’s right here at our property. Sometimes they take him to another property on the other side of town, but he doesn’t even need my car to get there. I never expected things to be this perfect.
And after the talk we had last night on our late night stroll down the street, I no longer have the worries I expressed in my last post. I cannot get out of my head the words he reassured me with.
"I’ve never actually loved anyone before”
I’ve always been afraid that you throw around the word love to every girl who’s ever been cute and funny and easy to talk to. In fact, I have proof of this to some degree. But the fact that you can see the difference now between me and everyone else you’ve dated makes me feel the way I’ve wanted to feel all along - special.
So whether we live here or Tennessee or New York or California or Wisconsin or Oregon or god knows where else, I know it’ll be the two of us.
I won’t let Jeff scare me with his stories about when he broke up with his “first everything.” There will be no first, second, and third everything. He is my everything. And if I don’t always love him, then I never really did.
(speaking of shaant, he’s actually been all over facebook lately. hmph. new music coming?)
anyway, i feel like i’ve said absolutely nothing about this new life of mine since before it actually started. i should probably explain how i got to this point.
truthfully, i was not happy at all in the beginning. i didn’t feel like myself anymore. i literally had zero time to myself. i never listened to my music, never got to drive more than 5 minutes by myself, never got to be home alone. a typical day went something like this:
4:45 AM: alarm clock goes off, playing the oldies station. we lay in bed and listen to it, half asleep.
5:30 AM: i wake up and spend about 15 minutes getting ready, essentially throwing on a tee shirt and jeans, brushing my teeth, and not much else.
5:45 AM: i leave for work in pitch black darkness, miserable.
6:00 AM: i arrive at costco and spend the next 5 hours all by myself with nobody to talk to, lifting heavy items above my head, with more tasks to do than time to do it. all the aloneness encouraged my brain to run wild and remind myself how much my life sucks.
11:00 AM: i get to leave. thank the fucking lord.
11:15 AM: i get home. brandon is sick so he’s laying in bed with a pathetic look on his face. i make us lunch.
12:00 PM: brandon says something like “i’ll feel better if i move. let’s go play frisbee golf.” and we go.
1:00 PM: we’re on our way back home from frisbee golfing. finally. if you didn’t know, i find frisbee golf quite boring.
1:30 PM: we realize we need to run some sort of errand, so we go grocery shopping or whatever.
3:00 PM: brandon says “let’s go outside and play tennis.” so we go.
4:30 PM: i have to go to work at american eagle now. i leave hopeful to make friends with girls my age and that never happens.
11:00 PM: i get home from a frustrating evening at AE, and find that brandon’s already asleep. i hurry up and go to bed because i have to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow and do it all over again.
okay, not every minute was miserable. but i really did feel like all i did was work and kiss brandon’s ass for a while. and i had huge breakdowns at night on a semi-regular basis. breakdowns about everything from the feeling that i’m losing myself, the feeling that brandon only likes me because i make his life so easy, all sorts of stuff. there was actually one situation that i’m not sure i’m ready to talk about. we’ll see. everytime i think about it, it’s like the first time all over again.
honestly i just knew that we weren’t ready for this. as individuals and as a couple. we’re so fucking young. i don’t know anybody else my age in this situation. i know other young couples who live together, but not in a state that they’ve never been to before. not to mention, our relationship status is a complicated story in itself. we weren’t technically, officially “together” until this happened. that was such a risk in itself. we went from living in different states to living together, away from everyone else we know. and when you’re still approaching your 19th birthday, that’s fucked up.
i’ve always taken pride in the fact that i do everything before most people. i started working at 14, full time at 17, had my own apartment 2 weeks after high school ended. and apparently lived in another state with a boy before turning 19. if you told me that was going to happen even just a year ago, i would not have believed you.
but all of this misery slowly but surely turned into the amazing life i have now. here’s how that happened:
· dave, the assistant general manager of costco noticed that i was really stressed out in my morning merch position and offered to let me work the front end at night. i had a mini breakdown right there and accepted without a hint of doubt. dave impresses me every day with his kindness.
· jeff, my apartment manager heard me say i had a job interview and responded with “we’re hiring! apply here!” and somehow that turned into me getting a job as a leasing agent in his office. i thank the serendipity gods all the time for that miracle. on my 19th birthday, i was offered a job at my own desk that pays $12/hr plus commission.
· the office job allowed me to quit american fucking eagle.
· my sleep schedule became perfectly manageable. the office scheduled me 9-5 or 9-6, and costco scheduled me 5:30-10:30 pm. i never had to wake up before 8 or go to bed after 11 if i didn’t want to.
· i wasn’t so stressed about money. i worked 2 jobs that paid well and we could eat out once in a while and still have all of the bills paid. i relaxed a lot at that point.
· i took charge of my “losing myself” issue and started playing my music, singing in the shower, calling wisconsin whenever i felt like it, and designing the apartment to look like a place where i actually live (before i designed it, it looked pathetic. nothing matched, no couch existed, it was not organized AT ALL. and it didn’t feel like home one bit).
· some of those breakdowns actually had great results. the first time he told me he loved me came toward the end of one. and it was actually a really emotionally powerful moment, not just a “will you stop crying if i say nice things to you?” type thing.
· we worked through enough fights to basically run out of important things to fight about. and opened up with each other and became really comfortable.
· i got brandon to realize that i will not tolerate him being unemployed; i literally came really close to kicking him out and being out here on my own. and he grew the fuck up. right now he works with a temp agency.
and somehow, all of these things turned that miserable life into the one i love now. i am very confident in our relationship and i am very confident in my ability to succeed out here on my own.
that sounded like the beginning of a lame facebook status. but honestly, it’s been a topic of interest for me lately. my addiction to self-help books has made me quite introspective. i’m on a mission to makeover my life. i literally created a typed document that lays out the five phases of my plan:
· make house feel like home
· get and keep finances under control
· build and repair relationships
· maintain a healthy body
· grow into the person i want to be
but none of those things can be measured in a quantitative manner. so how do i really know when i’ve succeeded? happiness is not completely black and white. so when do i decide i’m content?
here’s my theory. anyone who knows me knows how much i hate sitting still. i need to be constantly entertained and moving and leaving my house at all times or i go insane. this is a well known fact. actually, the first time i smoked weed, my most exciting moment went something like this:
jeff: so what do you wanna do? where do you wanna go? this is your experience, whatever you want!
me: do? go? …why? i’m totally fine just sitting here.
only marijuana can make me content with the absence of activity. when sober, i absolutely cannot go a whole day without leaving my house, even if i don’t have any important destinations.
but that isn’t true anymore. lately i spend almost all of my non-working hours at home, often doing nothing terribly stimulating or important. and you know what? it honestly doesn’t bother me. i think back in waukesha, free time reminded me that i had nothing better to do, so i ran from it and tried to always be moving. but now, a day spent sitting at home is a day spent with brandon. and i’m not lonely anymore.
quantitatively, i’m more alone than ever. coworkers and customers excluded, i associate with one person and one person only. back in waukesha, i spent my days with all sorts of different people. but at the end of each day, i was alone.
i cannot think of a single moment lately where i’ve felt alone. “me” time is spent by choice. i built myself a girl cave filled with craft and office supplies that i enjoy very much. i still love being productive, and i do it pretty often. but when i’m not productive, i’m no longer discontent.
a few days ago, i did absolutely nothing. brandon and i watched spongebob for several hours, and laid around in bed goofing off for a few more hours. i think we also played diddy kong racing for a while. that was pretty much my whole day. and it was a great day. i didn’t go anywhere, didn’t do anything productive, and didn’t feel discontent with that. never in my life has that happened before, sober anyway.
so that’s how i know i’m finally happy. and god, does it feel so good. (‘cause i got him where i want him now, right hayley?)
for not blogging at all since i got here. i wrote a few the other day that i couldn’t post until i got internet access, so i’ll probably just do that from now on.
since this new life of mine started, every day i have new rants i’d like to post here. but everytime i’m online, the subject of my rants is sitting right next to me. so i think i’m gonna start ranting on paper with a pen. yeah.
*original rules of contract still apply. i’ll send you the paper rants or type them up with dates on them ahahaha…
when i finally worked up the courage to seriously talk to you about things that upset me, i guess i had high hopes that i would hear what i wanted to hear. and to a slight extent, i did. but overall, i didn’t hear much at all. when you said “i hope you feel better” as i was leaving, i had no idea why i was supposed to feel better. and i had no idea how you couldn’t tell i was kind of almost crying. and no idea how i managed to wait until you closed the door before i really started. i did hear a few things i was hoping to hear, just not enough. i finally feel comfortable calling us “together” and stuff, and i thought it was cute that you said you’d buy me a ring out of a vending machine. but you missed the point. i don’t want material things from you. i just want to know and feel that you care about me. and i still need to feel that.
i only get upset like this when i’m not actually with you or talking to you. which should be a good sign right? whether it’s an 8 minute phone conversation about nothing or we’re taking a nap till noon or driving around singing along to britney spears or getting frozen yogurt or standing in all the showers at menards, you just make me happy. without even trying. honestly, just talking to you on my break makes my work day so much better. today, i came back from break late because i was so distracted by talking to you, and that made me smile. what a mess you’ve made of me. but i don’t regret a second of it.
i kind of don’t wanna rant about this on tumblr. i wanna actually spit this one at you later today. i wanted to yesterday and the day before but i keep talking myself out of it. i need to grow some balls. actually no, you need to grow some balls. you do absolutely nothing all day everyday and i can’t even count on you to help me with a few things here and there? i know you don’t see any reason for me to be stressed out, but that’s because absolutely EVERYTHING is on me. i have to plan and orchestrate everything, do everything, pack everything, move everything, pay for everything, and you can’t even help me move a few things. you don’t seem to understand that by not helping, you ARE hurting. now i can add you to the list of reasons why i’m stressed out. i really don’t think i’m asking too much by expecting you to help me. what else do you do for me? when krissy gave you that lecture at the chancery about how you need to do nice things for me and cook me food and clean my house while i’m at work, i couldn’t picture you doing any of that. and you’re just reinforcing that mental image every day. honestly i have no idea why LOGICALLY i should be moving in with you. i give and give and give, but never seem to receive anything. i guess it’s because i love you, but logically i don’t even know why i do. you can’t even call me your straight up girlfriend to a stranger at walmart. are you that ashamed of me or embarassed by me? i know you have this weird fixation with hiding me from your social circle, and i never gave you shit about that. but you can’t even claim me as yours to a stranger? i don’t want to be “sort of boyfriend & girlfriend.” we’re sharing a one bedroom apartment that has a year-long lease. i need to know if you’re in this with me or along for the ride. it’s not too late to buy yourself an air mattress and sleep in the living room.
my social life feels alright. i got to see macally yesterday. i’m seeing emily tomorrow. kirsten wants to hang out asap. i’ve seen holly a lot lately actually even though her parents still hate me. and i’ve given up on annie, markelle and abbie because not one of them texted me back the other day. and even though i’m focused on seeing my friends and packing and taking care of shit, i live within walking distance of brandon, so i still get to see little bits and pieces of him too. it made my day this morning when i answered my phone and he was like “hey i’m outside, come let me in” without any forewarning that he was coming.
and it honestly meant to world to me that ann wants to have lunch sometime before i leave. just the fact that one person from costco wants to hang out with me, even if she’s my mom’s age, makes me feel a lot better. because honestly, i’m so sick of hearing “oh hey you’re leaving? cool, add me on facebook.” you can fucking add meeee on facebook if you care enough to.
i know i’ll be forgotten by everyone in southeastern wisconsin. this is not even debatable. tiffany and i will write letters, and i think we’ll maintain a solid friendship at a distance. aside from that, none of you will contact me after a few months. brandon will really be all i have. i hope he can fill a lot of shoes at once. i’m gonna need him so badly.
this will probably sound pathetic, but goddamnit, the only person who noticed (or cared enough to comment) that i got my braces off was bob. and the only person who noticed (or cared enough to comment) that i dyed my hair darker (which isn’t really a big deal, but right now it’s the cherry on top) was shane. maybe for the average person having braceless teeth is not a big deal. but they didn’t see me almost cry when i first looked in the mirror and saw teeth. i haven’t seen a normal set of teeth in the mirror since i was six years old. and they didn’t see me almost cry when bob asked me to smile. i was supposed to feel like a million bucks today. i have actual teeth, freshly dyed hair, a fresh pedicure, a super cute dress on, and my taylor swift cowboy boots. but it was just another day. even people close to me were unphased. tiffany didn’t notice until 10 minutes into a conversation about her problems with chris. brandon was like “oh yeah i noticed, that’s cool” after i mentioned it. mom didn’t say anything. i just thought that getting my braces off would make all of my insecurities go away, but it didn’t change a thing. i could choose to look at this in a positive light and think about how nobody apparently seemed to really see my braces as a big deal. but i can’t. i just want to feel beautiful. i’ve never felt beautiful, and i’ve always blamed my braces. but i still don’t feel beautiful. i kind of blame brandon a little bit right now. i think it’s great that he’s not critical of my appearance and doesn’t care if i’m walking around in a tee shirt with no makeup on, but god damnit, when i do try to look good, would it kill him to notice? i love dressing cutely and wearing makeup and doing my hair and looking cute, but it’s completely pointless. i can’t believe i’m giving a whiny “tell me i’m prettyyyy” rant, but in the most literal sense, that is my problem right now. i really just want someone to tell me i’m pretty. i want people to like my pictures on facebook. and i want brandon to make me feel better about myself. i know expecting guys to make you feel better about yourself is pathetic, but i really feel like he should. i try so fucking hard. and not a single person takes notice ever. i just want to walk out in public wearing a cute outfit and have the person next to me say “oh my god, that guy is totally checking you out” every once in a while. and i want brandon to tell me i look good. i don’t even care what adjective he uses. i’m not asking for beautiful or gorgeous, i’d be just as happy with cute or hot. i just need positive affirmation of some sort. ohmygod i’m pathetic. but at least this rant is on tumblr and not facebook. thaaat would be pathetic. :l
brandon: omg, you have the same toes as me!
me: what? hahaha
brandon: like, the third one is longer than the second, look!
me (thinking): i can picture exactly what our babies would look like since we have the exact same traits in almost every way...
every day i fall more in love with you. and every day i’m more convinced that whether you wanna openly admit it or not, you love me too. that speech you gave me last night about the difference between fucking and making love was the cutest thing i’ve ever heard.