My knitting class was cancelled because I was the only one that signed up…I am SO disappointed. The one time I try to do something outside of my home, I get shot down. Ughhh. I’m in the process of looking for a different class but honestly, I feel like I looked everywhere. Here goes…more research.
Damn, that does suck! Am I allowed to giggle a little that you’re the only one in Milwaukee who wants to learn to knit though? I mean, I would! My grandma could probably teach me haha. But really, I’m sure you’ll find a way!!
Tonight actually ended up better than it started. He said YES to the opera (what the fuck is happening to me? haha) and I pushed myself to complete my bedtime routine that I wrote out. I even flossed!! Haha, wow that shouldn’t be an accomplishment. But it feels good to be settling down and it’s only 10:30. I’m really hoping I’ll have enough pep in the morning to do my wake up routine! We’ll seeeeee :)
that if I make a list of all the things I currently want to bitch/moan/rant about, then I won’t bore/piss off anyone by actually doing it.
1. I just came home to a bedroom that smells faintly of marijuana. Yum. 2. The room I beautifully organized had stuff on the floor again. 3. I’ve been holding my pee for way too long and the only bathroom is occupied. 4. My closing buddy at the Membership desk called in so they threw this ghetto bitch (who is normally cool buuuuut not tonight I guess) up there with me and she was, well, a ghetto bitch all night long. 5. We’re out of Febreze so I can’t fix problem #1. 6. Brandon didn’t do the laundry I kindly asked him to do this morning. 7. He probably won’t go to the opera with me tomorrow night. (music major problems!)
PS: No sympathy required. Just trying to get it out so Brandon doesn’t have to listen to it haha
A Lesson in Judging... and a Summary of my Social Life.
I hate to be that person who needs to learn the same lesson twice, but I’ll admit, I felt some major deja vu this morning. Remember when I worked at Cinnabon and I first met Macally, and didn’t like her immediately? I saw that she had good fashion sense, was a vegetarian, and was graduating early and thought WHOAWHOAWHOA bitch. That’s my life. This town ain’t big enough for the two of us. And as soon as I started getting to know her a little bit, it hit me. When you meet someone who’s a lot like you, shouldn’t that be a good thing? Like, hey, this person and I could be great friends. And we did become great friends! And I felt really bad for judging in a jealous, insecure way.
Well there’s this girl in a few of my classes named Audrey. From day one I didn’t like her, not because of anything she did that was mean or unpleasant. I guess I felt threatened by her? She’s stylistically fairly similar to me, and she’s in the recording technology program (which I almost did and still think about), with her primary instrument being voice (mine too!). I’ve never had more than a casual conversation with her but every time I see her talking to hot guys or anything really, I’m like “ugh.”
Well this morning I ended up having coffee with her and now I feel really bad, and stupid for not reminding myself of what I had already learned. She does have a lot in common with me, a LOT actually. And that SHOULDN’T be a bad thing. It’s not. She works as a secretary at an apartment complex (just like I did!) and plans on joining the jazz choir I’m in next semester (except I’m quitting… long story). And all sorts of random stuff haha, we both got a 2 on the AP Lit & Comp exam back in the day. She wants to do recording & producing and stuff but also education, like me. She wants to transfer to U of M (fancy smart school in Ann Arbor, a lot like Madison) just like me. I could see us being friends. We have similar goals and interests. That should be a GOOD thing right? It’s not like one of us has to fail in order for the other to succeed. Girls get so competitive, we forget that sometimes. At least I do haha.
I really have been good about making new friends though the past few months. My roommate Nikki is cool, and her boyfriend Milos. My other roommate Derrick is a great gay BFF. I still don’t like Josh, but whatevs, we’re civil. I’m pretty tight with this girl Anna who was in my tennis class (which was only 1/2 a semester so it’s over already, THANK GOD haha). We’re actually meeting for lunch in a little bit! But I do feel disconnected from everyone I was friends with before, from all stages of life. Not just you and Emily and my Wisconsin pals, but even my Michigan friends from Costco.
Now that I’m at the membership desk instead of the front end, I see Chelsea like NEVER and honestly I think we’re drifting a lot anyway regardless of that. She’s a puzzle, that’s for sure. She gets weird sometimes and I don’t really get her all the time. I think she’s just someone who’s never really had a BFF so she naturally tends to do her own thing or focus on guys because it’s always been that way. Which is cool - I can’t judge someone for being independent. It just gets frustrating because she’s really bad about blowing you off after you’ve made plans because at the last second she doesn’t feel like it. Oh well.
The rest of the people at Costco are cool but I’m realizing they’re not REAL friends you know? I mean I’ll go to their parties and have a good time, but if I disappeared, no one would text me a few months from now like “Hey how have you been?” and if I moved away, they probably wouldn’t throw me a going away party. So I don’t really care too deeply about that circle.
Things are a little awkward with some coworkers though. Apparently I broke Sawyer’s heart because I still didn’t want him even when I was single. Oh well. Kid needs to toughen up a bit. And people need to stop being like “Man, you really broke his heart. He’s such a good guy. If I were a little younger, III’D date him.” Like umm no you wouldn’t, liar. Ugh. But anyway he avoids me now. Whatevs.
I do talk to Holly reasonably often though. She’s really struggling and I feel horrible that I can’t do anything about it from here. Her boyfriend (baby daddy!) is being an absolute piece of garbage and her parents aren’t being much better. They started coming around a little this week, but before, they were literally telling her she needs to be out by her 18th birthday and no later, and they don’t care where she goes. Now I don’t have any children but I thought there was some sort of unconditional love clause where you’re physically unable to disown your child no matter what kind of shit they fuck up. It’s disgusting to me that they seem to have no trouble doing it even though she didn’t really do anything terrible. She’s having a baby. Not the end of the world. She didn’t do anything malicious or intentionally mean. Prisoners still have parents who love them! Sigh, nothing I can do about that besides answer my phone when I can.
And last but not least things are actually great with Brandon so far. He’s working in construction Monday-Friday, buying my old car from me, and overall just trying harder than before to be independent. And I’m trying harder to let him. He has this friend he had met at school over the summer that he’s been hanging out with, Timothy, who apparently wants to meet me. Which means when he does have “bro” time, he’s not saying “Ugh my GF is such a psycho” hahaha. And I think living with roommates has been really good for us overall. He’s much neater than he was when we were alone haha. Now that he sees other people leaving messes, he cleans his because he doesn’t wanna be shunned like Josh haha. So hopefully he can really start to grow into an adult :)
Haha unrelated but I read this elaborate article in Cosmo about the changing dynamics between men and women in our generation, and it was really interesting. If you don’t subscribe I highly recommend reading it since you’re in a similar relationship haha. I can’t remember if it’s in the J-Lo issue or the Miranda Kerr issue but it was really interesting and hopeful haha.
I don’t even think I have words to describe how I feel about this night. I’m scared and angry and confused and shocked and sad. I’m every bad feeling I can think of. I guess in order for anyone to understand how I got to this point I’m going to have to start from the beginning.
Wow. I have NO idea what I would have done in that situation, but I’d say you handled it the best you could have. I want to say I can’t believe Tyler let himself become THAT but honestly, isn’t that how it’s always been with you and him? You grew up watching your parents and choosing to be different; he grew up the way most people with messy childhoods grow up - repeating the cycle. It’s just hard to imagine how the same person who protected YOU from that kind of treatment as a child can give it to someone else as an adult. I think Tyler could be a really good person, and I know he is deep down. Especially if he clearly felt remorse immediately after what he did. I just really hope they break up before anything else happens. Isn’t that why he got your old car in the first place, so he won’t have to depend on hers? Sigh. So many people I know are in really unhealthy relationships. And so many more people I know are divorcing. Where is the hope? I just need one good example to hold on to, that’s all. All of the examples I thought I knew are divorcing now. We’re gonna have to be our own good examples I guess. I’m really glad you have Cory to face all of this with. He may be all you’ve got, but really, he’s probably all you need. Hold on tight!
I’ve had a lot of thoughts racing through my head lately. I’ve realized that I’m extremely dissatisfied with my life, but I’m also aware of the fact that I’m only 20 years old and this is exactly how I should be feeling. I feel like my whole life is revolving around my job at McDonald’s. I make…
Ok so I was just having an elaborate thought process about how to motivate myself over the past few days, and I think you’re the answer haha. Basically I’m like religiously obsessed with Gretchin Rubin (author of the Happiness Project) and her blog, and she has this “character index” she came up with that I think is PERFECT. Essentially it’s about the four different types of people and how they respond to expectations - inner and outer ones. I watched her give an hour long speech about it on youtube and I’m realizing I need to frame things in a way that speaks to my TYPE of person in order to ever get anything accomplished. Basically the four types are Upholders (they have no trouble responding to inner OR outer expectations), Rebels (they don’t do any of it), Questioners (they can only respond to inner expectations) and Obligers (that’s me, only outer expectations). So basically as an obliger, I have absolutely no trouble with outer expectations like “show up at 6:00 sharp” or “turn this in by Friday” but I CANNOT for the life of me respond to inner expectations like “wake up 1 hour earlier to eat breakfast” or “go practice your music for 30 minutes a day” if there isn’t any sort of external accountability. SO her solution is to somehow MAKE all of your inner expectations outer…somehow. So if I was trying to lose weight or stop drinking, I’d need a support group like Weight Watchers or AA for instance. I don’t know what category you’re in, but if you’re curious, she talks a lot more in depth about them on her blog, gretchinrubin.com and it’s pretty interesting I think. But what I’m GETTING AT haha is that I think we should be accountability partners. For one, it’d be a good way for us to actually communicate on a regular basis. And at least for me, I think having someone that I have to answer to is the only way I’ll ever get anything done. I think we should both come up with a few goals that we’re most focused on, whether they’re work/school/achievement related, or health related, or whatever they are. We should tell each other exactly what we plan to do, but make them small manageable things that we can actually report on regularly. Like “How many days this week did you eat salad for lunch?” “How many hours have you practiced your music?” “Are you caught up on X, Y, and Z?” and like ACTUALLY give each other shit if we don’t do it. Not just like “Ha, oh well, I didn’t really think you were going to.” Brandon was talking about doing this with me because we’d be really DOING the things together but I just don’t see it working. I’m too good at manipulating him hahaha. Like if it’s early morning and he’s trying to get me out of bed I just act really cute and he gives up and comes right back to bed with me hahaha. Or if we’re trying to plan a healthy dinner and I say “Ihop sounds really good actually” he’s like LET’S GO! hahahah. So bottom line I think someone more objective would work better, and someone I’ve been meaning to communicate with more regularly anyway haha. So give me your thoughts on this! Are you feeling it? How often do we check in? How do we check in? What are your goals? I really wanna be super serious about this! I tried to be work out buddies with my friend Chelsea by exchanging work out schedules and texting each other like “ummm it’s 3:00 bitch, are you doing your work out? no? go!” but she failed miserably on day one haha. So please be my saving grace and I’ll try my best to be yours!! :)
Okay so I’m going to make this somewhat brief because I work in an hour, but since I had a little time to spare in my oh-so-wonderful life, I thought an update was in order.
1. A couple days ago, my car took an enormous shit. Big enough that I couldn’t just flush it away like all the other shits…
OK has it been so long since I’ve really USED tumblr that I can’t figure out how to comment on posts?! Or is that something you just can’t do on tumblr? Sigh, the more I try to shun technology to be a “better” person, the more out of the loop I get haha
Dude when you say “new” car how new are we talking? I can’t believe it’s actually happening haha you and that old car have been through so much haha. I can’t wait to see it! Mine’s a dark blue 2004 Toyota Corolla with a UW Madison bumper sticker that makes me look smart haha. And zillions of cigarette burn holes all over the seats haha thanks to my cousins. Since it’s been driven by several of my relatives before I got it, I’ve been calling it the LeGant-mobile. It’s actually the first vehicle I’ve had that wasn’t named after something musical!
I’ve absolutely heard of Etsy and looked through it before but never actually USED it so that’s awesome! I totally remember you making me one of those scrabble rings like 4 years ago haha so cute. Hopefully it works out! I have no idea how to like bring attention to your site you know? I mean there’s like ZILLIONS of people selling stuff so hopefully people find YOURS!
Your weed vs. thumb debate is interesting. Has it occurred to you that those aren’t the only two ways to get over an oral fixation issue? I feel like it’s not really that black and white you know? You don’t have to mess up your teeth OR deal with being a “stoner” and getting caught and being broke, etc. You just might have to think outside the box, which is clearly something you’re capable of haha. Have you ever seen those hookah E-cig things? It’s just flavored water vapor, no nicotine or anything gross in there. Several people have told me they’re really cool!
Sigh, so you’re slightly having the same Cory problems I had with Brandon? I mean at least Cory consistently works and can hold down a job so you’re not having to get on him about THAT, but trust me, I know how frustrating it is to have to be on top of EVERYTHING. It’s not like you want him to suddenly take the reigns, you just want an equal partner to help make decisions TOGETHER and at least deal with his OWN stuff. Not like you wouldn’t want to help if he needed it but it’d be nice if he could get started on stuff without you. At least he’s started trying though, I guess just see how that goes! I’d like to believe he’s better at life than Brandon, hope he proves us right about that! haha
Speaking of new phones, I sorta got one too! About a month ago I got mad at my friend Chelsea and slammed it on the table after reading a text where she was blowing off our plans, and the screen got all cracked and the display stopped working AT ALL :/ Soo I ended up buying a used phone that’s very comparable to mine EXCEPT… no slide out keyboard. Whichhh I’m STILL struggling with a lot haha I’m horrible at typing on screen without real buttons! Maybe it’s my fucked up thumbs hahah. But that’s what I get for being angry!
I’ll post an update soon about my current situation(s) with moving and school and social life and errthang! And if that takes a while, at least I’ll see you in less than a week my dear!
I’ve deduced that virtually all of my problems come from one root issue: my phobia of being burdensome on any/everyone. I can’t accept presents - big or small - without feeling overwhelming guilt. I can’t let people pay for my meals - whether they’re $2 or $20 - without feeling that same guilt. I can’t accept help or favors unless I’m so desperate I have no choice. I can’t take compliments and respond gracefully. I can’t be a burden to anyone, even when I KNOW they have plenty of money or time or concern for me and are happy to help. I’ve gotten several lectures on how my inability to let people help me offends them more than it lessens the burden. Whether it’s letting Krissy buy things for Brandon & I or letting Jeff buy me lunch, they’re doing it because they want to, not because they have to. And I just can’t wrap my brain around that.
For the past decade of my life, I HAVE been a burden every time my mother spent money on me. I remember the extreme guilt I’ve felt on several occasions, and it haunts me.
When I was 13 or so, still not used to us being broke after a very affluent childhood, my mom and I used to go window shopping at the mall when we were bored on weekends. And on several occasions, I used my dominant personality on her passive one and got her to buy me things she could absolutely not afford. And then felt extreme guilt when I didn’t wear them as much as I thought I would. That blue and white horizontal striped strapless dress from Abercrombie. That black top with the little white polka dots from Hot Topic. I made such a scene that she had no way of saying no, even though it really did create a negative impact on her.
Even worse are the memories of getting gifts I wanted to like but just couldn’t. I felt horrible when I was told that the little ballerina slippers on the pink turtleneck my grandma bought me were hand-appliqued by her. I wanted to like it but I just didn’t. And I felt terrible that she spent so much time on something for me to just throw to the side.
The worse instance of this was when my mom bought me an mp3 player for Christmas. I realize that this was completely her fault for being an uneducated buyer, but it still makes me sick just writing about it. She spent $70 (a lot for her at the time) on this mp3 player that she bought from a traveling salesman with no way of returning it. Mind you, I had an mp3 player. He probably convinced her this one was great and better, but it definitely wasn’t. It had less storage space than mine, and definitely wasn’t worth $70. She was SO excited for me to open it - convinced that I’d be thrilled. But I wasn’t. I just felt sick to my stomach. And I still do.
So maybe this extreme drive to take care of myself with zero assistance stems from the fact that at one point, it was necessary. I was a burden on my mother. And I never want to feel that way again. So I push myself. I spent the past year working 60 hour weeks. Before that, I worked full time during high school. At one point, I only had one weeknight after school free, and I worked 12 hours every Saturday and Sunday. Granted, it was totally worth it because I had enough money saved up to get my own apartment the second I turned 18. But I only had to do that because of this weird burdenguilt I felt about being supported by my mom.
Well that and, I don’t really like her. Or my brother. Or her house. But that’s a story for a different day.
So now here are all of the problems I’m currently blaming on this realization:
1. My life feels unfulfilled because I push myself to keep moving constantly, rather than enjoying my youth. Laurel made it sound like a no brainer that I should have called in yesterday to go to the street fair right by my new house. I honestly spent the entire day in a bad mood because I didn’t get to go. And here a responsible adult that I look up to insisted that I should have just gone. Nikki also doesn’t seem to get how I don’t like free time. She really values days where she wakes up and realizes there is nothing at all on her agenda, allowing her to go for a walk and smell the roses. Even when I don’t have an agenda, I MAKE an agenda so it doesn’t feel like I’m wasting time. I can’t justify just sitting around watching movies all day like most people seem to crave. But I mean, I certainly am not afraid to request off from work when something worthwhile comes around. I buy tickets the second my favorite artists announce a tour, with no hesitation. Even though they never come to my town and I always have to drive at least 2 hours, sometimes up to 5. So it could be worse. I do still make time for things I deem important.
2. I don’t feel genuinely close to anyone in my life, probably because I silently push them away by not allowing anyone to help me. This really isn’t conscious or intentional. It just doesn’t occur to me to reach out to people when I’m distressed - it occurs to me to reach for my iPod. I’ve been getting better though I think about letting people do favors for me that I actually need. I asked Sawyer to help me move, and that helped tremendously. I asked Josh to pick up Waffles from doggie day camp because they closed before I got out of work and I had no choice. I let Chelsea buy me a soda yesterday for 63 cents. Baby steps.
3. I don’t know how to be there for people, which also contributes to the lack of closeness in my life. When Holly calls me in distress, I don’t answer if I’m already sleeping. If someone DOES end up talking to me about their problems, I really don’t know what to say. I have no sympathy/compassion for anyone really ever. I probably come off very cold when people need warmth the most. Maybe I don’t know how to be there for people because I’ve never successfully had anyone be there for me.
So how to I remedy this chain of problems? I wish I knew. I don’t have anyone close enough to even try to be closer to. Chelsea and I are close in theory at the surface, but deep down I really don’t think we are at all. I don’t think she actually likes me that much. And I don’t think she’d choose me over any of the men in her life if given the option. Tiffany and I drifted a lot. Even our letters are spaced way farther apart than they ever were before. Emily I never hear back from when I reach out to. Kirsten would listen, but she’s just weird and we don’t actually click like that. That leaves Holly, who normally I probably would try to reach out to. But she has much bigger things to worry about right now (cough bun in oven cough), and my inability to be a burden doesn’t allow me to bug her right now.
Now that I think about it, the two people I’ve opened up to the most lately are Gary, my zany crazy manager, and Dr. Barton, my voice teacher. And I think the next person I wanna have realtalk with is probably Jen Knapp. She did offer to sit down with a cup of tea and tell me about the memoir she’s writing. And I really wanna hold her to that.
I remember when I first moved here and I still worked mornings, and had zero friends here. I genuinely thought about asking Corina to be my friend. I really enjoyed talking to her every morning, and she seemed like a really strong woman. Plus I figured, since I’m trying so hard to be an adult, perhaps I should befriend adults. But then I switched to nights and met a bunch of kids.
I really do know a lot of amazing adults though, so maybe that’s the direction I need to go in. I got some great advice from Lisa, and could probably get even more from Nick. I always feel happier after talking to Laurel.
But on a darker note, I do also know a lot of adults who used to inspire me but now disappoint me tremendously. I know five people age 30 and under who are going through divorces right now. And a lot of people who are unfaithful to the ones they love. A lot of people who do cocaine. A lot of people who just aren’t what they seem. And I can’t help but lose faith in humanity.
Watching Justin and Tabitha leave their spouses for each other even though they each have several young children (and Justin’s wife is PREGNANT) just makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that they don’t even try to hide it at work makes me even more sick. I used to be so inspired by Tabitha. I remember when I first met her, the first sentence that popped into my head was “There is no way she’s single; Somebody loves Tabitha.” And then I found out she ran away and got married when she was my age, and moved here from New Mexico to start a new life with her husband. That was eight years ago and they now have three kids. Sounds beautiful right? Well it did before she chose Justin.
It also makes me sick to her David joke with me about calling off his wedding because he had an inappropriate dream about me. I’ve never met this Katie girl he plans to spend the rest of his life with, but I know she deserves better. I don’t care if he’s just kidding around. I didn’t really think it was funny at all. And I doubt Katie would either. If you can even entertain the idea of flirting with another woman mere weeks before your wedding, then you aren’t ready to get married. I want to cry for Katie when I envision their divorce, brought on by David’s future infidelity.
The only couple that still gives me hope is Max and Sherrie. If they break up, I quit life.
memory tells me that these times are worth working for
perhaps i haven’t blogged in the past month for the same reason i’ve failed to put laundry away in a timely fashion, left my girl cave untouched, and spent the best part of each day hiding in tree hill, north carolina. i haven’t been talking about my thoughts because as soon as you say something you’re unsure of out loud, it suddenly becomes real, tangible, and cannot be taken back.
i’ve been thinking strongly about moving onward without brandon. i told no one about these thoughts and just stewed over them in my mind until i couldn’t hide from them anymore. my girl friends are all for it. they see brandon at face value, and at face value, he isn’t worth much. since he lost his job, we’ve been back at square one. in the beginning he seemed to possess the utmost confidence that this would only be a temporary setback. and yet with each day that goes by, i see less and less desire in him to get back out there.
i had some really difficult conversations these past few days. i was reminded how endlessly loving he is. as i slowly break his heart, all he can respond with is “i love you,” and it’s all he wants to hear at the end of the conversation. he truly just wants to hold me and forget about the rest. it’s sweet, but it won’t work forever.
maybe it’s the lack of sunlight i’ve absorbed lately or the abundance of artificial hormones i put into my body, but i’m having a hard time remaining optimistic about the state of our relationship. i reached a point where i couldn’t help but spontaneously cry every so often. the worst part was not being able to tell him what was wrong when he wanted to comfort me. he has the biggest heart i know, and my mother would be the first to tell you that i have one of the smallest. it’s inevitable that i will someday break his heart.
but does it really have to be that way? today i sat down and asked myself why i fell in love with him 13 months ago in the first place. i was flooded with memories of our early days. he has this childlike curiosity, this adventurous spirit in him. he has an insatiable hunger for knowledge and discovery. he’s always exploring new places, looking for someplace worth being. he spends hours reading and studying topics that interest him. though he hid this from his high school teachers, he really has a beautiful mind. his answers to life’s biggest questions are well thought out, insightful, and great food for thought. and what really made me fall for him is what i mentioned earlier - his gigantic heart. although the version of him you may have seen walking down the hallway with his friends would never admit this, brandon is the sweetest person i know. nothing makes him smile bigger than babies or puppies. no argument is so awful that a hug can’t end it. and no matter how badly i treat him sometimes, he has never failed to enthusiastically make me food the moment i ask for it (sometimes even before that!). maybe on the outside he’s a guy who’s done time in jail, but on the inside, he’s a guy who puts love in my sandwiches. every single one.
if i send him away, i’m gaining the freedom to fill my closet with whatever my heart desires (although i’m truly stumped every time i try to brainstorm what i even need room for), a lower electric and food bill, and probably some sort of feminist confidence. but what i’m throwing away is far more vast than that. i’m throwing away a best friend, a one tree hill watching partner, a cuddle buddy, a christmas song duet partner, a kitchen cleaning teammate, a shoulder to cry on, a really cute smile, a kiss hello and goodbye every time i come and go, a hand to hold while i’m walking across wobbly rocks on a river, a sincere “i love you” when i need it most, a guy who loves to vacuum, someone who gets it when i quote spongebob, an enthusiastic audience when i feel like breaking out into disney songs, a home improvement expert, a reminder to live simply and be less of a hyper-consumer, a tomato gardener, an aunt and grandparents i like better than any of mine, and god knows how much more.
i often forget how we got here. i spent a few months crying frequently and missing him more than i thought possible. i felt compelled to drive overnight after work and call in sick just to spend 48 hours with him. i moved to a place i had zero interest in because i knew that i really had zero interest in living without him. all of this happened in the past year. had he moved away a few months prior, i’d have moved on just fine. but like someone once told me, time is nothing. timing is everything. i have to believe that there is a reason i fell for him right before he left. there is a reason he and i spent those two days together in tennessee. there is a reason he and i ended up here right after i had begun to give up on being with him. yes, he may gain a lot from being with me financially, but i gain so much from being with him mentally and emotionally.
i really do believe that opposites attract and my neurotic behavior balances his simple, relaxed demeanor. it’s up to be if i want to put the effort into staying together, or run away because sometimes it sounds easier. i cannot imagine that a single couple who has been married for 50+ years has never thought of divorce once. they decided that whatever went wrong was not worth throwing away what they had. their love was worth fighting for. that’s what I want to believe.
i’m deciding right now that you and i are worth fighting for. please remind me why i came here.
for the record, i forgot that i had several posts saved on my computer, so a few months worth have been just uploaded in rapid fire.
when i think quantitatively about brandon, his cons list is actually quite short:
he smokes weed
he grows weed
he doesn’t like to do chores without being nagged
the chore issue isn’t a huge deal, really. he definitely will do them eventually, and when he was unemployed he did them much more willingly. the growing weed issue isn’t really that big of a deal either. i dislike that it makes my house smell foresty, but that’s because he didn’t reinstall the carbon filter after we took everything down. he said he would today, and i hope he keeps that promise. aside from the odor, it really doesn’t inconvenience my life terribly. my electric bill is higher; that sucks. he doesn’t spend a ridiculous amount of time in the grow room since he has to leave it 100% dark from 9am till 9pm. in the beginning i did have to put some money into it since he didn’t budget responsibly, but now that he makes money i haven’t done that lately. the growing will actually make money once he has a harvest. so honestly, the growing probably isn’t worth being mad about. i don’t typically make a big deal about it.
so that leaves the smoking. i cannot put into words how much i dislike the fact that he smokes weed. for one, it’s one of my least favorite scents in the world. i hate it when my house smells like it, when my car smells like it, and most importantly when he smells like it. i tell him all the time that i wouldn’t care as much if i didn’t have to smell it. and it’s true. i didn’t really care when he ate that fudge thing last night. it didn’t smell.
i wish i could quantitatively explain why i hate his smoking so much, aside from the smell. i definitely think it’s a waste of money. but at the same time, it’s not my place to tell him how he can or cannot spend his money. i spend my money on things he might not think are worthwhile (this beautiful macbook pro, a big bag of clothes from express, brand new matching bath towels, etc.) but he’s never actually tried to control me in that way. i get mad when he takes out a good chunk of money from his paycheck, but when i look at the facts, it’s pretty on par with how much of my checks i keep separate. when my check is about $650, i end up keeping $150 of that. his check was about $750 and he kept $200. i’d be a hypocrite if i told him it wasn’t okay.
so quantitatively, i have no right to be upset about the amount of money he spends on weed. he does it exactly the way i told him he had to. i don’t want him putting weed and junk food purchases on the debit card we use for joint expenses. it messes with my bill pay schedule and could lead to overdrafts if we don’t communicate properly. i told him to take whatever amount he’s gonna take out right at the beginning, and from that point everything he does with that money is up to him. gas and groceries go on the card, fast food, weed and whatever else he wants comes out of his pocket. that’s how it works for me and that’s how it should work for him. and he’s been doing exactly that. i’d be a hypocrite and a liar if i told him it wasn’t okay.
so then if it’s not about the money, then why is it such a big deal aside from the smell? for one, it’s the principle. when we were first talking about moving in together, he told me he got this out of his system in california and wouldn’t be smoking that much - maybe once in a while at most. and i believed him. and at first, it was accurate. he had no money so he had no way of even thinking about smoking. once he began making money, however, this went right out the window. had i known i’d be living with someone who smokes several times a day, i would have reconsidered this living arrangement. might i also mention that this is just one of the many lies he told me at that point in time. he also told me i wouldn’t have to support him. funny, because i supported him 100% for several months until i finally put my foot down and started threatening to kick him out if he didn’t start working. he had no intention of ever getting a job in the first place. i forced him to get one. and we won’t even get into my personal favorite lie - her name is jordan. so i guess it irritates me because this lifestyle isn’t what i signed up for. had i known, i wouldn’t have signed up at all.
but is that something i can really hold against him? a broken promise of change? i can’t decide if it’s his fault for lying or my fault for believing it. just because someone tells you they’re changing/have changed/will change does not mean it’s an unshakable truth. i should have known that. for the three years i’ve known him, he’s never been able to stay away from weed for more than a few months. i’m not sure why this time should have been treated any differently.
perhaps i had unrealistic dreams about our new life together. it still is our life, not just mine. my vision and his vision have to come together somewhere. he wouldn’t be happy living in my heaven, nor would i in his. i often try to remind myself that the true reason i dislike his weed habit is because it doesn’t fit my vision of perfection. i never envisioned myself living with a pothead. and he probably never envisioned himself living with someone as uptight as i am. but he doesn’t seem to mind that his dreams have been shattered like i do. i just can’t shake the feeling that it’s childish and not something you do for the rest of your life. i’ve never smoked weed alone. the few times i did it happened with a group of friends. it was an experience very similar to having a few drinks. that’s how it’s supposed to be - a few kids getting stupid and having a good time. if someone drank alone every day, they’d be highly looked down upon and thought to have a problem. drinking and weed both make sense to do in moderation with friends. they can be great fun in that context. doing them alone every day just seems pathetic. i can’t imagine feeling the need to enhance my state of mind every single day. being outside when it’s sunny or laughing with brandon or watching spongebob is all i really need to have a good time. adding substances to the mix would ruin the genuineness of it all. i know brandon doesn’t feel that way. it’s just something i’ll never understand. and for some reason, it really upsets me. i can’t help but take personal offense when he feels the need to enhance our quality time with substances. i couldn’t be happier just spending time with him. but apparently he could. he tries to argue that it’s not like that, and he just likes smoking weed. i just can’t see how the pursuit of happiness can not come from discontentment. i would have to be incredibly discontent with my current situation to even be thinking about substances that could improve it. i’ve never really had those thoughts to be honest. when i am discontent, i think more about what song i want to listen to or what colors i want to paint with. i’m trying to find a way to compare our points of view and connect them and i just can’t.
another pathetic way that it bothers me stems from my fear of being alone. i can’t help but mentally connect his smoking weed with being away from me. i always get really sad when we’re both home and he wants to go somewhere without me. in the beginning, we spent way too much time together and i craved “me” time because i never got any. now, we’re apart more often than together, and i’d like to cherish the times we are together. i can’t help but be upset when he chooses to have “me” time when the two of us are having a perfectly good day together. why can’t he have “me” time while i’m at work, and then spend time with me when we’re finally together after a long day apart? but once again, i have no right to be upset about this. i chose to sign up for yoga and zumba classes, both during times we would have otherwise both been home. so i voluntarily leave the house when we’re both home. i do it to hang out with friends at night too. so yet again, if i don’t allow him to have “me” time when he wants it, i’m being a hypocrite.
i think another thing that just plain irritates me is the way he plays the “open minded” card. he tells me the only reason i’m not open to the idea of marijuana is because i’m not open minded. he argues that society has convinced everyone that it’s bad, but there is actually nothing wrong with it and it’s even helpful. he argues that i don’t like it because i’m still latching on to what society wants me to think. but, as usual, the more “open minded” approach is of course whatever he happens to believe. whether it’s religion, politics, or any other subject, he believes that he is so open minded, he has already thought it through from every angle and determined the “correct” opinion. that’s impossible. no one will ever have the answer to most of the questions he’s “solved.” so part of me just wants to hold on to my view as a way of saying “fuck your view, i have my own.” i know that’s illogical and just plain stupid. i’m stubborn and argumentative. i have a lot of pride. logically, i know that there really isn’t anything wrong with marijuana, at least the way he uses it. i cannot tell a difference in his personality after he’s smoked. but that sort of contributes to the thought that it’s a waste of money. does he even get anything out of it? it doesn’t look like it. but regardless, it’s not like being high makes him unpleasant or annoying. it truly doesn’t inconvenience me. if i did something that he thought was dumb but really didn’t get in his way, he’d leave it alone. once again, i’m unfair to him.
it all comes down to one thing, really. i cannot expect him to change for me, just as i would never consciously change for him. he’s not choosing weed over me. he’s not dating weed. it’s background noise in our lives together, a radio station i’m not terribly fond of. but it doesn’t truly inconvenience my life. i need to be logical and rational. i took a personality test today and it told me i actually have a very rational view of the world. the quiz didn’t ask me if i was a teenage girl though. i probably would have scored lower. i truly do try to appreciate every other aspect of our relationship every day. this is my vice though. but reading over this post, the only thing i’m seeing that really is an issue is the lies he told me before we got here. but i got over the biggest one, so i should be able to get over the smaller ones too. not to mention, every time i tell him i wouldn’t have moved in had i known something, he responds the same way. “well are you going to move out now that you know?” i’m always overwhelmed with the same feelings when i have to answer this question. being with him makes me so happy, the bullshit he told me 6 months ago is irrelevant at this point. after six months of living together, we’re simply not the same people, and we don’t relate to each other the same way. we’ve changed as individuals and as a couple for the better. he accepts my shortcomings and for the most part, i try to accept his. i’m still working on this one. as far as i’m concerned though, as long as he’s still sweet and loving while he’s high and he doesn’t squander away our entire live savings, it shouldn’t matter.
isn’t that the first rule of relationships? a known fact. nonbelievers are just asking for an “i told you so.” so why is it such a shock to me that he hasn’t changed like i thought he might?
that sounds bad. you don’t really love someone if you only love some future changed version of them you made up in your mind. i know this, and i’ve known it all along. i always try to stress the difference between change and growth. i want you to grow up, myself also. i want both of us to become more mature as each day goes by. but the one thing about you that i really strongly wish i could change, i’m afraid it may not be just a growth issue.
taking responsibility to start earning money and contributing it to taking care of yourself, that’s part of growing up. that was my number one wish, and i got it. if i hadn’t, i would likely have given up on us by now. but no matter how many battles i win, i just can’t seem to reach contentment.
you did tell me several lies when i agreed to move away with you. most of those things are okay now, great even. but this time it’s my fault. i honestly believed that you would grow out of the weed phase. not because of something you told me - it was something i told myself. yes, you said california got a lot of things out of your system, and that your need for weed had mellowed out a lot.
i guess i just figured this was part of your growing up process. you would reach a point where you decided weed wasn’t necessary for happiness. i guess i assumed and hoped i would play a part in that. if you had love in your life, you wouldn’t need any substance to fill in the gaps. i personally can’t imagine needing anything like that to be happy now that i have you. and it hurts me a lot that you still do.
regardless, i suppose the real issue is that what i consider growth, you consider change. you don’t consider weed to be an immature waste of time and money. for you, it’s one of your biggest loves in life, regardless of how old you are. and i don’t think i’ll ever understand that.
i really do try, i hope you know that. i told you that as long as you were putting your paychecks in the bank to help me pay our bills, you could do whatever you wanted with the rest - no judging. to you, the things i spend my money on might seem like a waste. so it’s only fair that you can do what you’d like with yours. and i felt that i was being perfectly fair with that concept.
but it still upsets me. now that you can buy a whole bunch of it, you do. and you smoke it all the time. time you could spend with me is spent with weed. i know it hurts you when i tell you that i feel like weed is more important to you than i am, but not as much as it hurts me.
i try to remind myself that everyone needs “me” time. hell, for a while i wanted it more than anything. and now i have more than i ever wanted. we spend much more time apart than we do together, mostly due to work. so when we had two days off in a row to just be together, i guess i had high hopes. i was so excited to just be with you again like we used to. and all you wanted to do was sleep, smoke, and ride your bike - the one outdoor activity where you KNOW i can’t join you. i would have gone for a walk in a bug-infested woods, played 36 holes of frisbee golf, anything you wanted. but as you have a tendency to do, you chose weed over me.
maybe i’m not being fair. you don’t give me shit for spending my free time scrapbooking and watching one tree hill. and maybe you could argue that it’s not fair for me to argue that weed is different.
actually, when i started typing this, i had hoped to convince myself that smoking weed was part of who you are, not a big deal, and overreacting was my fault. i really wish i believed that. we’d probably be happier together.
i know that you say you need it to feel productive and calm and intelligent, and those are great things. but i guess it just makes me upset that you feel that way. i want you to feel great naturally. i want to be the reason. but if i’m not enough, i’m sorry.
last night brandon and i watched water for elephants, which if you haven’t seen is a great movie. toward the end, there’s a scene where reese whitherspoon asks robert pattinson “where were you when i was seventeen?” because she already married a complete asshole, and now wishes she could run away with r-pattz because he’s sweet and caring and would never hurt her.
and in that moment i realized how lucky i am. the boy i ran off with when i was young treats me so well, all the time - even when i go into bitch mode for little to no reason. i am so hard on him sometimes. and at the end of the day all he wants to do is smother me with hugs. if i get on him to do something, he does it. almost every time. and usually with no complaining at all. if we’re fighting, i’m absolutely never ever afraid that he’s going to hurt me, no matter what.
he’s the lover, i’m the fighter. and i take that for granted. if i was a lover and i was with a fighter, i don’t think i could handle that. but he puts up with so much more than he deserves. i want to give him as much love as he gives me.
so i’m going to make a conscious effort to cut him some slack. now that he has a full time (sometimes overtime) job, i cannot treat him like dead weight anymore. he contributes just as much as i do to this house. and i think i’m so used to having all of the power, that it’s hard to shift my mindset. we can and should both wear the pants.
i am going to stop getting mad over (and making a big deal out of) little things that he does/doesn’t do.
i am going to stop trying to control everything all the time. our decisions are not entirely for me to make.
i am going to share household chores with him equally now that we both work a lot.
i am going to love him at all times, not just when it’s convenient.
i am going to focus more on us and less on just myself.
i am going to remind myself and him how much i appreciate him on a regular basis.
i am going to ask myself how i would react if he said it to me before i say anything harsh or bitchy. i will stop being such a hypocrite and put myself in his shoes.
i am going to help our relationship more than i hurt it. make it a relationship that we both love being in always.
be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just might get it.
i wished for more me time. i wished for the opportunity to live alone. i wished for independence. and now brandon is going to be gone for a whole week, days after i took back those wishes. he’ll only be in lansing, maybe an hour or so away. and i can call or text him whenever i want. but as soon as he told me that his job was sending him away for a whole week, i was immediately upset. since we moved in together, we haven’t spent a single night falling asleep in different beds.
i think this week is going to change my perspective quite a bit. it’ll be really sad, but i think it’ll be worth it. i hope when he comes back i’ll realize that being alone wouldn’t fix any of my problems. i want to appreciate what i have and stop taking his presence for granted.
i can’t help but think back to the list i made on june sixteenth, almost two months ago. it was made on a brilliant notepad i purchased at schuler books (the greatest place on earth, or at least in west michigan). the notepad is titled “MAKE A DECISION” and asks me to fill in each of the following blanks:
DILEMMA: kick out brandon? DATE: 6/16/12 DECISION NEEDED BY: whenever
DECISION IMPORTANCE LEVEL: trivial non-lethal worthwhile weighty life changing INDECISIVENESS LEVEL: wishy washy neutral partisan mind made up
BEST CASE SCENARIO: Brandon stays, starts being a responsible adult, and we have an amazing life together, happily ever after. (PIPE DREAM? YES NO) WORST CASE SCENARIO: I kick him out and end up all alone, regretting all of this. I have to face my family and tell them I was wrong. (APOCOLYPSE? YES NO)
GUT FEELINGS: I cannot tolerate his lazy, immature ways forever. He is dragging me down and making me work harder than I should have to. But I love him. I came here because it was the only way to be with him. And I want to prove everyone wrong and make this work.
PLUSES (+) AND MINUSES (-): + I have more money for me - I can’t still date him + I can be me - I’m stuck here alone + He will learn his lesson - I will have to face WI eventually + I get to find myself here - Nobody else will love me + I can date hardworking guys - I’m giving up really soon
INTUITIVE CONCLUSION: Be patient. Give him a chance to change. RATIONAL CONCLUSION: Work on being more independent, but wait.
DECISION: Give it some more time. Make it clear to him that if he does not change things, i will. (FOR TODAY? YES NO)
NEXT STEPS: Talk to him. Work on establishing myself here as an independent woman and I’ll be okay regardless.
I absolutely made the right decision. I cannot even put into words how optimistic I am right now for our future. Brandon now works full time (more than that actually) with the contractors who fix our vacant apartments for the next tenant. Most of the time, he’s right here at our property. Sometimes they take him to another property on the other side of town, but he doesn’t even need my car to get there. I never expected things to be this perfect.
And after the talk we had last night on our late night stroll down the street, I no longer have the worries I expressed in my last post. I cannot get out of my head the words he reassured me with.
"I’ve never actually loved anyone before”
I’ve always been afraid that you throw around the word love to every girl who’s ever been cute and funny and easy to talk to. In fact, I have proof of this to some degree. But the fact that you can see the difference now between me and everyone else you’ve dated makes me feel the way I’ve wanted to feel all along - special.
So whether we live here or Tennessee or New York or California or Wisconsin or Oregon or god knows where else, I know it’ll be the two of us.
I won’t let Jeff scare me with his stories about when he broke up with his “first everything.” There will be no first, second, and third everything. He is my everything. And if I don’t always love him, then I never really did.
avril knew what was up in 2003. it’s still up in 2012. someone wise once said
"do not tell me what your priorities are. show me how you spend your money, and i’ll tell you what they are."
i could not have said it better myself. explain to me why everytime i think “wow, he really is growing up and taking responsibility,” i realize within a few days that i spoke too soon?
when we first got here, i had many a breakdown about how alone i felt in all of this. we are supposed to be in this together. we talk about where we want to live in a few years, and saving for a house (and a boat! once we have a driveway to store it on of course) but with you, things like that just won’t come to fruition unless i do them all by myself. i have no issue doing everything myself; i think we all know this. but i don’t want to have to.
i just don’t think it’s too much to ask that if my money is our money, then your money should also be our money. i crunched plenty of numbers and figured out how to make everything fair so we would both always have some extra money to ourselves after the bills have been paid together. i don’t expect you to bring home as much money as i do, or pay 50% of everything right now. i do expect you to work as hard as you can and help me as much as you can before you go out acting like the fucking dumbass you were in high school.
you especially should have learned from the first time we had this argument. i broke the “don’t go to bed angry” rule two nights in a row the first time you did this. and i broke it again last night.
this one could be a deal breaker for me. like J-LO, my love don’t cost a thing. but you better not fucking take me for granted or use me. go move back in with grandma if that’s the kind of man you want to become. you’ll never be the king of your castle unless you pull your weight. and trust me, it feels fucking great to be the queen.
but i would love to share the throne if you’re ready to be a man.
(speaking of shaant, he’s actually been all over facebook lately. hmph. new music coming?)
anyway, i feel like i’ve said absolutely nothing about this new life of mine since before it actually started. i should probably explain how i got to this point.
truthfully, i was not happy at all in the beginning. i didn’t feel like myself anymore. i literally had zero time to myself. i never listened to my music, never got to drive more than 5 minutes by myself, never got to be home alone. a typical day went something like this:
4:45 AM: alarm clock goes off, playing the oldies station. we lay in bed and listen to it, half asleep.
5:30 AM: i wake up and spend about 15 minutes getting ready, essentially throwing on a tee shirt and jeans, brushing my teeth, and not much else.
5:45 AM: i leave for work in pitch black darkness, miserable.
6:00 AM: i arrive at costco and spend the next 5 hours all by myself with nobody to talk to, lifting heavy items above my head, with more tasks to do than time to do it. all the aloneness encouraged my brain to run wild and remind myself how much my life sucks.
11:00 AM: i get to leave. thank the fucking lord.
11:15 AM: i get home. brandon is sick so he’s laying in bed with a pathetic look on his face. i make us lunch.
12:00 PM: brandon says something like “i’ll feel better if i move. let’s go play frisbee golf.” and we go.
1:00 PM: we’re on our way back home from frisbee golfing. finally. if you didn’t know, i find frisbee golf quite boring.
1:30 PM: we realize we need to run some sort of errand, so we go grocery shopping or whatever.
3:00 PM: brandon says “let’s go outside and play tennis.” so we go.
4:30 PM: i have to go to work at american eagle now. i leave hopeful to make friends with girls my age and that never happens.
11:00 PM: i get home from a frustrating evening at AE, and find that brandon’s already asleep. i hurry up and go to bed because i have to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow and do it all over again.
okay, not every minute was miserable. but i really did feel like all i did was work and kiss brandon’s ass for a while. and i had huge breakdowns at night on a semi-regular basis. breakdowns about everything from the feeling that i’m losing myself, the feeling that brandon only likes me because i make his life so easy, all sorts of stuff. there was actually one situation that i’m not sure i’m ready to talk about. we’ll see. everytime i think about it, it’s like the first time all over again.
honestly i just knew that we weren’t ready for this. as individuals and as a couple. we’re so fucking young. i don’t know anybody else my age in this situation. i know other young couples who live together, but not in a state that they’ve never been to before. not to mention, our relationship status is a complicated story in itself. we weren’t technically, officially “together” until this happened. that was such a risk in itself. we went from living in different states to living together, away from everyone else we know. and when you’re still approaching your 19th birthday, that’s fucked up.
i’ve always taken pride in the fact that i do everything before most people. i started working at 14, full time at 17, had my own apartment 2 weeks after high school ended. and apparently lived in another state with a boy before turning 19. if you told me that was going to happen even just a year ago, i would not have believed you.
but all of this misery slowly but surely turned into the amazing life i have now. here’s how that happened:
· dave, the assistant general manager of costco noticed that i was really stressed out in my morning merch position and offered to let me work the front end at night. i had a mini breakdown right there and accepted without a hint of doubt. dave impresses me every day with his kindness.
· jeff, my apartment manager heard me say i had a job interview and responded with “we’re hiring! apply here!” and somehow that turned into me getting a job as a leasing agent in his office. i thank the serendipity gods all the time for that miracle. on my 19th birthday, i was offered a job at my own desk that pays $12/hr plus commission.
· the office job allowed me to quit american fucking eagle.
· my sleep schedule became perfectly manageable. the office scheduled me 9-5 or 9-6, and costco scheduled me 5:30-10:30 pm. i never had to wake up before 8 or go to bed after 11 if i didn’t want to.
· i wasn’t so stressed about money. i worked 2 jobs that paid well and we could eat out once in a while and still have all of the bills paid. i relaxed a lot at that point.
· i took charge of my “losing myself” issue and started playing my music, singing in the shower, calling wisconsin whenever i felt like it, and designing the apartment to look like a place where i actually live (before i designed it, it looked pathetic. nothing matched, no couch existed, it was not organized AT ALL. and it didn’t feel like home one bit).
· some of those breakdowns actually had great results. the first time he told me he loved me came toward the end of one. and it was actually a really emotionally powerful moment, not just a “will you stop crying if i say nice things to you?” type thing.
· we worked through enough fights to basically run out of important things to fight about. and opened up with each other and became really comfortable.
· i got brandon to realize that i will not tolerate him being unemployed; i literally came really close to kicking him out and being out here on my own. and he grew the fuck up. right now he works with a temp agency.
and somehow, all of these things turned that miserable life into the one i love now. i am very confident in our relationship and i am very confident in my ability to succeed out here on my own.
that sounded like the beginning of a lame facebook status. but honestly, it’s been a topic of interest for me lately. my addiction to self-help books has made me quite introspective. i’m on a mission to makeover my life. i literally created a typed document that lays out the five phases of my plan:
· make house feel like home
· get and keep finances under control
· build and repair relationships
· maintain a healthy body
· grow into the person i want to be
but none of those things can be measured in a quantitative manner. so how do i really know when i’ve succeeded? happiness is not completely black and white. so when do i decide i’m content?
here’s my theory. anyone who knows me knows how much i hate sitting still. i need to be constantly entertained and moving and leaving my house at all times or i go insane. this is a well known fact. actually, the first time i smoked weed, my most exciting moment went something like this:
jeff: so what do you wanna do? where do you wanna go? this is your experience, whatever you want!
me: do? go? …why? i’m totally fine just sitting here.
only marijuana can make me content with the absence of activity. when sober, i absolutely cannot go a whole day without leaving my house, even if i don’t have any important destinations.
but that isn’t true anymore. lately i spend almost all of my non-working hours at home, often doing nothing terribly stimulating or important. and you know what? it honestly doesn’t bother me. i think back in waukesha, free time reminded me that i had nothing better to do, so i ran from it and tried to always be moving. but now, a day spent sitting at home is a day spent with brandon. and i’m not lonely anymore.
quantitatively, i’m more alone than ever. coworkers and customers excluded, i associate with one person and one person only. back in waukesha, i spent my days with all sorts of different people. but at the end of each day, i was alone.
i cannot think of a single moment lately where i’ve felt alone. “me” time is spent by choice. i built myself a girl cave filled with craft and office supplies that i enjoy very much. i still love being productive, and i do it pretty often. but when i’m not productive, i’m no longer discontent.
a few days ago, i did absolutely nothing. brandon and i watched spongebob for several hours, and laid around in bed goofing off for a few more hours. i think we also played diddy kong racing for a while. that was pretty much my whole day. and it was a great day. i didn’t go anywhere, didn’t do anything productive, and didn’t feel discontent with that. never in my life has that happened before, sober anyway.
so that’s how i know i’m finally happy. and god, does it feel so good. (‘cause i got him where i want him now, right hayley?)
since this new life of mine started, every day i have new rants i’d like to post here. but everytime i’m online, the subject of my rants is sitting right next to me. so i think i’m gonna start ranting on paper with a pen. yeah.
*original rules of contract still apply. i’ll send you the paper rants or type them up with dates on them ahahaha…
i really hope living with you makes everything better.
when i finally worked up the courage to seriously talk to you about things that upset me, i guess i had high hopes that i would hear what i wanted to hear. and to a slight extent, i did. but overall, i didn’t hear much at all. when you said “i hope you feel better” as i was leaving, i had no idea why i was supposed to feel better. and i had no idea how you couldn’t tell i was kind of almost crying. and no idea how i managed to wait until you closed the door before i really started. i did hear a few things i was hoping to hear, just not enough. i finally feel comfortable calling us “together” and stuff, and i thought it was cute that you said you’d buy me a ring out of a vending machine. but you missed the point. i don’t want material things from you. i just want to know and feel that you care about me. and i still need to feel that.
i only get upset like this when i’m not actually with you or talking to you. which should be a good sign right? whether it’s an 8 minute phone conversation about nothing or we’re taking a nap till noon or driving around singing along to britney spears or getting frozen yogurt or standing in all the showers at menards, you just make me happy. without even trying. honestly, just talking to you on my break makes my work day so much better. today, i came back from break late because i was so distracted by talking to you, and that made me smile. what a mess you’ve made of me. but i don’t regret a second of it.
i know it doesn't sound like it, but i still love the fuck out of you.
i kind of don’t wanna rant about this on tumblr. i wanna actually spit this one at you later today. i wanted to yesterday and the day before but i keep talking myself out of it. i need to grow some balls. actually no, you need to grow some balls. you do absolutely nothing all day everyday and i can’t even count on you to help me with a few things here and there? i know you don’t see any reason for me to be stressed out, but that’s because absolutely EVERYTHING is on me. i have to plan and orchestrate everything, do everything, pack everything, move everything, pay for everything, and you can’t even help me move a few things. you don’t seem to understand that by not helping, you ARE hurting. now i can add you to the list of reasons why i’m stressed out. i really don’t think i’m asking too much by expecting you to help me. what else do you do for me? when krissy gave you that lecture at the chancery about how you need to do nice things for me and cook me food and clean my house while i’m at work, i couldn’t picture you doing any of that. and you’re just reinforcing that mental image every day. honestly i have no idea why LOGICALLY i should be moving in with you. i give and give and give, but never seem to receive anything. i guess it’s because i love you, but logically i don’t even know why i do. you can’t even call me your straight up girlfriend to a stranger at walmart. are you that ashamed of me or embarassed by me? i know you have this weird fixation with hiding me from your social circle, and i never gave you shit about that. but you can’t even claim me as yours to a stranger? i don’t want to be “sort of boyfriend & girlfriend.” we’re sharing a one bedroom apartment that has a year-long lease. i need to know if you’re in this with me or along for the ride. it’s not too late to buy yourself an air mattress and sleep in the living room.
my social life feels alright. i got to see macally yesterday. i’m seeing emily tomorrow. kirsten wants to hang out asap. i’ve seen holly a lot lately actually even though her parents still hate me. and i’ve given up on annie, markelle and abbie because not one of them texted me back the other day. and even though i’m focused on seeing my friends and packing and taking care of shit, i live within walking distance of brandon, so i still get to see little bits and pieces of him too. it made my day this morning when i answered my phone and he was like “hey i’m outside, come let me in” without any forewarning that he was coming.
and it honestly meant to world to me that ann wants to have lunch sometime before i leave. just the fact that one person from costco wants to hang out with me, even if she’s my mom’s age, makes me feel a lot better. because honestly, i’m so sick of hearing “oh hey you’re leaving? cool, add me on facebook.” you can fucking add meeee on facebook if you care enough to.
i know i’ll be forgotten by everyone in southeastern wisconsin. this is not even debatable. tiffany and i will write letters, and i think we’ll maintain a solid friendship at a distance. aside from that, none of you will contact me after a few months. brandon will really be all i have. i hope he can fill a lot of shoes at once. i’m gonna need him so badly.
this will probably sound pathetic, but goddamnit, the only person who noticed (or cared enough to comment) that i got my braces off was bob. and the only person who noticed (or cared enough to comment) that i dyed my hair darker (which isn’t really a big deal, but right now it’s the cherry on top) was shane. maybe for the average person having braceless teeth is not a big deal. but they didn’t see me almost cry when i first looked in the mirror and saw teeth. i haven’t seen a normal set of teeth in the mirror since i was six years old. and they didn’t see me almost cry when bob asked me to smile. i was supposed to feel like a million bucks today. i have actual teeth, freshly dyed hair, a fresh pedicure, a super cute dress on, and my taylor swift cowboy boots. but it was just another day. even people close to me were unphased. tiffany didn’t notice until 10 minutes into a conversation about her problems with chris. brandon was like “oh yeah i noticed, that’s cool” after i mentioned it. mom didn’t say anything. i just thought that getting my braces off would make all of my insecurities go away, but it didn’t change a thing. i could choose to look at this in a positive light and think about how nobody apparently seemed to really see my braces as a big deal. but i can’t. i just want to feel beautiful. i’ve never felt beautiful, and i’ve always blamed my braces. but i still don’t feel beautiful. i kind of blame brandon a little bit right now. i think it’s great that he’s not critical of my appearance and doesn’t care if i’m walking around in a tee shirt with no makeup on, but god damnit, when i do try to look good, would it kill him to notice? i love dressing cutely and wearing makeup and doing my hair and looking cute, but it’s completely pointless. i can’t believe i’m giving a whiny “tell me i’m prettyyyy” rant, but in the most literal sense, that is my problem right now. i really just want someone to tell me i’m pretty. i want people to like my pictures on facebook. and i want brandon to make me feel better about myself. i know expecting guys to make you feel better about yourself is pathetic, but i really feel like he should. i try so fucking hard. and not a single person takes notice ever. i just want to walk out in public wearing a cute outfit and have the person next to me say “oh my god, that guy is totally checking you out” every once in a while. and i want brandon to tell me i look good. i don’t even care what adjective he uses. i’m not asking for beautiful or gorgeous, i’d be just as happy with cute or hot. i just need positive affirmation of some sort. ohmygod i’m pathetic. but at least this rant is on tumblr and not facebook. thaaat would be pathetic. :l
every day i fall more in love with you. and every day i’m more convinced that whether you wanna openly admit it or not, you love me too. that speech you gave me last night about the difference between fucking and making love was the cutest thing i’ve ever heard.
i was awake every time you kissed my forehead and ears, even though i’m pretty sure you thought i was asleep. you’re cute.
i have no intention of giving your calhoun elementary school tee shirt back. we agreed it fit me better anyway.
i really did laugh quite hard at the voicemail you left me tonight. i’ll never forget the mental image of you trying to fix my sink with scotch tape. you’re adorable beyond measure.
i can’t think of anything i’d rather do than take turns singing/humming/whistling that one britney spears song, and we are young with you.
i totally creeped in your phone while you were in the shower, sorry. you were right, you don’t call jordan; she calls you. well, she used to. just like you said. i’ll get out of jealouspsychobitch mode now.
i kinda sorta really wanna be facebook official.
i think i’m gonna have trouble sleeping tonight without you.
i think tiffany and i will be friends again. i am actually quite confident that we will. i’m about to go with her to get a tattoo, and then go to plato’s closet on a sunny tuesday afternoon. i’ve got a good feeling about this.
every day our conversations get more real, less filtered.
i honestly believe that we can last.
we’re not afraid to embrace the bad and the ugly. and when we’re done arguing/debating/discussing unpleasant things and we say we’re over it and we’re dropping it, we literally do. within seconds we’re discussing what kind of kitchen items we still need to buy. because at the end of the day, we know it’s all about the simple things.
the more i think about it, the more i realize how little i am leaving behind. when i found out i was officially moving in a month, i texted everyone. very few even responded, and those who did seemed indifferent. i guess there’s a reason your significant other is supposed to be your best friend. they’re probably your only friend.
at this particular moment in time, i actually can’t think of any emotional turmoil and/or distress to rant about. shall we go through the various aspects of my life?
brandon: he texts me every day and we talk about any and everything. including now. and he said when he gets up here and i move out of my apartment, i can stay with him and krissy instead of my mother and jacob. glorious.
work: i have a good feeling about plan b. doug, my warehouse manager, apparently used to play golf with the manager in grand rapids, and they just had dinner a few nights ago. he emailed the guy for me and put in a good word. this increases my hopes of being transferred considerably.
family: i think my mom will feel better if i live 300 miles away, rather than 2,000. she doesn’t approve of my life choices regardless, but i honestly just don’t care at all. i have never been so excited about my life, and nobody will change my mind.
social life: it feels really good to be friends with tiffany again. i’d like to be pen pals when we both move to different states and have crazy adventures. i also love macally a lot and will miss her greatly. it sucks that holly’s parents don’t let us hang out ever, but it feels good to have multiple people that want to spend time with me. i haven’t felt that in a long time.
personal well-being: i’ve spent a considerable amount of time alone in the past month, and i’ve grown to enjoy it. and now that tiffany and i are okay, i don’t find myself avoiding being in my apartment, so i spend a lot more time just chilling. i’m content with it, too. even sober. that’s a new one for me.
i really am content right now. god, please don’t let it turn into complacency.
& i'll be counting the days that the sun goes past with the clouds beneath my feet;
way back in june of 2011, i had a dream about tiffany and i debating what color to paint the walls of our new apartment. she wanted to paint them light pink, but i wanted to paint them a color that i had never even realized existed before. i called it mauve, but now i realize that mauve is more of a pink. i envisioned a marvelous shade of gray that was tinted purple, and when i woke up, i realized my dream-self has great taste. i now own several shirts that color, and my nails are that color too. so when i tell you about this dream i had last night, you need to understand why i’m putting actual thought into it.
i dreamed that i was getting a new tattoo. in part of the dream, i think i was putting it on my upper back (which makes no sense because it would cover the music staff on my right shoulder blade) and in another part of the dream, i think i was adding it to my feet to decorate the words i already have there. the tattoo was of a beautiful outer spacey night sky with swirling colors and stars and everything. my dream-self didn’t specify if it meant anything conceptually, or was just beautiful, but upon waking up, i realize this could be a great tattoo idea.
lately i’ve felt so infinite, for lack of a better word. i really don’t wanna associate this with the perks of being a wallflower, because i didn’t think that book was terribly mind-blowing, but i like the word infinite a lot. lots of people have tattoos of infinity symbols, so that feels overdone. but i’m pretty sure the ultimate representation of infinity and the unknown is outer space. i’m realizing lately that there’s a whole world out there, and there are amazing things all over the place that i want to see and feel and experience. and i just feel so infinite, because there is absolutely no reason why i can’t do it all. so while i originally toyed with the idea of an outer space tattoo because it looks awesome, the more i think about it, it’s so much more than that. i want it to remind me to never grow complacent with where i am in life. there is a whole world out there and it’s at my fingertips. i remember when i was a kid and i thought i could never ever leave new berlin, wisconsin. i never want to think that way again.