October 2012
5 posts
memory tells me that these times are worth working...
perhaps i haven’t blogged in the past month for the same reason i’ve failed to put laundry away in a timely fashion, left my girl cave untouched, and spent the best part of each day hiding in tree hill, north carolina. i haven’t been talking about my thoughts because as soon as you say something you’re unsure of out loud, it suddenly becomes real, tangible, and cannot be...
for the record, i forgot that i had several posts...
when i think quantitatively about brandon, his cons list is actually quite short:
he smokes weed
he grows weed
he doesn’t like to do chores without being nagged
the chore issue isn’t a huge deal, really. he definitely will do them eventually, and when he was unemployed he did them much more willingly. the growing weed issue isn’t really that big of a deal either. i dislike that it makes my...
you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
isn’t that the first rule of relationships? a known fact. nonbelievers are just asking for an “i told you so.” so why is it such a shock to me that he hasn’t changed like i thought he might?
that sounds bad. you don’t really love someone if you only love some future changed version of them you made up in your mind. i know this, and i’ve known it all along. i always try to stress the difference...
a post inspired by r-pattz... sort of.
last night brandon and i watched water for elephants, which if you haven’t seen is a great movie. toward the end, there’s a scene where reese whitherspoon asks robert pattinson “where were you when i was seventeen?” because she already married a complete asshole, and now wishes she could run away with r-pattz because he’s sweet and caring and would never hurt her.
...
“In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer.”
– –Albert Camus
i want this to be true for me so badly.
August 2012
3 posts
and of course,
as soon as i started to look forward to my week of independence, it got cancelled.
i think i still benefitted from thinking about it though.
and i’m still going out to the B.O.B. on thursday night with chelsea for some underage partying. sorry, brandon.
be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just...
i wished for more me time. i wished for the opportunity to live alone. i wished for independence. and now brandon is going to be gone for a whole week, days after i took back those wishes. he’ll only be in lansing, maybe an hour or so away. and i can call or text him whenever i want. but as soon as he told me that his job was sending him away for a whole week, i was immediately upset. since...
god, i love being right.
i can’t help but think back to the list i made on june sixteenth, almost two months ago. it was made on a brilliant notepad i purchased at schuler books (the greatest place on earth, or at least in west michigan). the notepad is titled “MAKE A DECISION” and asks me to fill in each of the following blanks:
DILEMMA: kick out brandon? DATE: 6/16/12 DECISION NEEDED BY: whenever...
July 2012
4 posts
‘till you chose weed over me; you’re...
now let's let's back track and back it up
(speaking of shaant, he’s actually been all over facebook lately. hmph. new music coming?)
anyway, i feel like i’ve said absolutely nothing about this new life of mine since before it actually started. i should probably explain how i got to this point.
truthfully, i was not happy at all in the beginning. i didn’t feel like myself anymore. i literally had zero time to myself. i...
you know you're happy when
that sounded like the beginning of a lame facebook status. but honestly, it’s been a topic of interest for me lately. my addiction to self-help books has made me quite introspective. i’m on a mission to makeover my life. i literally created a typed document that lays out the five phases of my plan:
· make house feel like home
· get and keep finances under...
i apologize
for not blogging at all since i got here. i wrote a few the other day that i couldn’t post until i got internet access, so i’ll probably just do that from now on.
April 2012
2 posts
idea ! ? !
since this new life of mine started, every day i have new rants i’d like to post here. but everytime i’m online, the subject of my rants is sitting right next to me. so i think i’m gonna start ranting on paper with a pen. yeah.
*original rules of contract still apply. i’ll send you the paper rants or type them up with dates on them ahahaha…
:l
March 2012
24 posts
i really hope living with you makes everything...
when i finally worked up the courage to seriously talk to you about things that upset me, i guess i had high hopes that i would hear what i wanted to hear. and to a slight extent, i did. but overall, i didn’t hear much at all. when you said “i hope you feel better” as i was leaving, i had no idea why i was supposed to feel better. and i had no idea how you couldn’t tell i...
i know it doesn't sound like it, but i still love...
i kind of don’t wanna rant about this on tumblr. i wanna actually spit this one at you later today. i wanted to yesterday and the day before but i keep talking myself out of it. i need to grow some balls. actually no, you need to grow some balls. you do absolutely nothing all day everyday and i can’t even count on you to help me with a few things here and there? i know you don’t...
in other news,
my social life feels alright. i got to see macally yesterday. i’m seeing emily tomorrow. kirsten wants to hang out asap. i’ve seen holly a lot lately actually even though her parents still hate me. and i’ve given up on annie, markelle and abbie because not one of them texted me back the other day. and even though i’m focused on seeing my friends and packing and taking care...
this will probably sound pathetic, but goddamnit, the only person who noticed (or cared enough to comment) that i got my braces off was bob. and the only person who noticed (or cared enough to comment) that i dyed my hair darker (which isn’t really a big deal, but right now it’s the cherry on top) was shane. maybe for the average person having braceless teeth is not a big deal. but...
you're cute. i'm pathetic.
brandon: omg, you have the same toes as me!
me: what? hahaha
brandon: like, the third one is longer than the second, look!
me (thinking): i can picture exactly what our babies would look like since we have the exact same traits in almost every way...
every day i fall more in love with you. and every day i’m more convinced that whether you wanna openly admit it or not, you love me too. that speech you gave me last night about the difference between fucking and making love was the cutest thing i’ve ever heard.
confessions
i was awake every time you kissed my forehead and ears, even though i’m pretty sure you thought i was asleep. you’re cute.
i have no intention of giving your calhoun elementary school tee shirt back. we agreed it fit me better anyway.
i really did laugh quite hard at the voicemail you left me tonight. i’ll never forget the mental image of you trying to fix my sink with scotch...
i'll see you on monday, love. and we'll never be...
i think tiffany and i will be friends again. i am actually quite confident that we will. i’m about to go with her to get a tattoo, and then go to plato’s closet on a sunny tuesday afternoon. i’ve got a good feeling about this.
i finally heard the word boyfriend from you. i can...
every day our conversations get more real, less filtered.
i honestly believe that we can last.
we’re not afraid to embrace the bad and the ugly. and when we’re done arguing/debating/discussing unpleasant things and we say we’re over it and we’re dropping it, we literally do. within seconds we’re discussing what kind of kitchen items we still need to buy. because at...
the more i think about it, the more i realize how little i am leaving behind. when i found out i was officially moving in a month, i texted everyone. very few even responded, and those who did seemed indifferent. i guess there’s a reason your significant other is supposed to be your best friend. they’re probably your only friend.
since it's so hard to get you to say mushy things,...
“now i want to be together tonight”
“i think we could [go see the grand canyon this summer if you want], but...”
“but all i know is i wanna grow old and cranky with you, so i hope that’s a...”
“i have no intention of losing you, obviously it’s not completely my choice...”
“& yes love is a big scary thing to me, something i hoped i’d never...”
i can' t decide if i'm stronger or weaker than i...
black days
just say marissa, i love you, i need you, and no one will do but you.
that would literally make everything okay.
twenty nine days
til life can begin.
i could be living with brandon in twenty nine days, even if it is just at krissy’s house.
:D
contentment>complacency
at this particular moment in time, i actually can’t think of any emotional turmoil and/or distress to rant about. shall we go through the various aspects of my life?
brandon: he texts me every day and we talk about any and everything. including now. and he said when he gets up here and i move out of my apartment, i can stay with him and krissy instead of my mother and jacob. glorious.
...
when i'm dead, i'll rest.
February 2012
24 posts
& i'll be counting the days that the sun goes past...
way back in june of 2011, i had a dream about tiffany and i debating what color to paint the walls of our new apartment. she wanted to paint them light pink, but i wanted to paint them a color that i had never even realized existed before. i called it mauve, but now i realize that mauve is more of a pink. i envisioned a marvelous shade of gray that was tinted purple, and when i woke up, i realized...
rusty, you made my day.
me: could one of you sign my transfer request form please?
doug: of course! where are you going?
me: california! :D
doug: wow, do you know anyone there?
me: nah, but the person i'm going with does. we'll probably end up staying at his friend's house for a little bit while we get on our feet.
rusty: so how in love are you?
“i wanna be one of those old people who travels all over and gets captured by a...”
– this is why i love you so much. i wanna explore the world by your side.
“and in that moment, i swear we were infinite.”
– i haven’t even finished it yet, but so far i’m feeling the perks of being a wallflower. i already have a list of “moments when i felt alive” on my listography page, but i’m pretty sure i like “infinite” better than “alive,” and i may change it.
“i want to be friends again. i really do. but i don’t want to build it on...”
in other news,
things with brandon are feeling better and better. last night he:
a) told me to stay myself. he likes me because i’m not a badass. he has no interest in dating a badass.
b) called me hun again. it never gets old. and i thought i hated pet names (:
c) acknowledged the reality of our situation. there is a good possibility that cohabitating could completely fuck up everything for us. many...
today was a disappointment;
i really had high hopes that visiting all of you would make everything feel okay again. but i guess it really doesn’t take long to forget the people in our lives once we don’t see them on a day to day basis anymore. lord please don’t let that happen to the rest of my friendships when i move away. i just wanted affirmation that the people who knew the real marissa still love her....
keep your feet on the ground when your head's in...
these past few months, i’ve really started to let go of myself. i want myself back. i’ve spent enough time with myself this past week or so to realize that i’ve completely lost sight of what i like and who i am. just because i don’t have any sober friends doesn’t mean i can’t be sober. on my alone days, i find solace in long drives and singing cold war kids, not...
ecstasy
to do or not to do?
your advice put an interesting twist on things. i remember when you used to make me watch videos about how wonderful it is. and now discourage it. at the very least, it’s proof that you honestly have grown up immensely since you and i met. but at the same time, you always advocated an open mind. i feel like you’re trying to close mine now. what you said meant a...
i love brandon so goddamnfucking much.
i honestly could not put into words how happy it makes me to look into the future and see brandon. as much as it kills me sometimes that i have no idea how he truly feels about me because he doesn’t say things like that, conversations like the one we just had convince me that i have nothing to worry about. i know deep down that he sees something more than just a girl to pass the time with...
crossing state lines today with my windows down and the beach boys blaring was a great decision. i thrive on ‘me’ time.
